Monday, May 23, 2005

Emotion of pain

I am an optimist and one who tries to see the positive in all situations. I try to grieve with those who are grieving, laugh with those who laugh, rejoice with those who rejoice and cry with those who cry. But right now I feel very alone.
Pain has in many ways crippled me. No, people can't see it physically, but I am crippled. I find it very difficult to face the pain daily, I would rather stay in bed and lay flat. I would rather not have to explain my pain so I avoid certain people. I am angry because I cannot spend the time I need with my family. I cannot make plans with friends either as I am unsure whether or not I can fulfil my commitments to them.
Another emotion I feel is guilt. I feel like I should get up early each day, spend more time with people, be strong enough to beat the pain, go to lots of fun events. The reality is I can't.
I am reading a book by Yancey and he asks three questions. Is God fair?, Is God hidden? and is God silent? My answers change from day to day. Overall I feel like God is not a spiritual good luck charm, so he does not have to be fair. God is not hidden as I see Him in many different aspects of my life. I do feel that God is often silent. I just wish God would show me how long my family and I need to endure this trial. On the other hand maybe I do not want to know the answer.
Pain has robbed me of my overall joy, and I am not happy about it. Jesus do something to fill me up with joy in the midst of my pain. Heal us I pray.